Death Knell
by Margot Harwood
Summary: When Emma asks him about the Sea Witch, he knows his time is up. Killian's POV between running into Ursula & his conversation with Emma in the sheriff's station that evening.


He should have known it was too good to last. Should have known he was too happy, too stupidly filled with joy. He should have seen this coming.

She asks him about Ursula &amp; he knows. It's over.

He has loved Emma Swan with every fibre of his being from the moment he laid eyes on her. He has known since that very same moment that he is not enough for her. Not good enough. Not heroic enough. Not whole enough. He tried. He tried so hard to make himself worthy of her, &amp; for a time he'd been convinced that maybe he'd done it. Maybe she saw him, the man under the pirate mask. Maybe he could have this…happiness.

He should have known better. Pirates don't get happy endings.

Walking hand in hand toward Granny's he feels _full_. It's unlike anything he's ever felt before. It takes all of his resolve not to laugh. He is filled with joy for the first time in a very long time. He's thanking the gods above for his good luck when he sees her. Ursula. He swears his heart actually stops. He wants to run but he is perversely frozen where he stands.

Of course she would appear now. Just when he was starting to believe in his own happy ending. Just when he was starting to believe it was possible to be loved. Just when Emma was beginning to look at him like he _mattered_. He hadn't mattered to anyone in more than a few hundred years.

&amp; just like that, it's gone.

He brings her lunch to the station. He hopes, though doesn't expect, she didn't notice his interaction with the sea witch. &amp; when she raises those gorgeous green eyes to his, those eyes that will haunt him forever, &amp; asks about his past with the demon he can feel every molecule in his body flinch. He can't tell her. He can't bear to see the disappointment in her eyes. Not when he was just beginning to see something else there.

He's an idiot. He tries to lie. She knows immediately of course. For the first time in his life words fail him. He can only plead in his mind: _please, please, please_…

But it doesn't matter. He leaves her to her witch hunt. He struggles to breathe. He feels the burning behind his eyes &amp; he searches out a place to hide alone with his humiliation. He waits.

Then he gets the message:

_Will you stop by the station? We need to talk._

&amp; he knows his time with Emma Swan is up.

Of course he'll go to her. He doesn't want to. Doesn't know if he can survive watching as Emma Swan cuts him loose. He wonders darkly if having his heart crushed by the Dark One would have been a less cruel fate. He wishes he could run. Wishes he had anywhere else to go. But she is his home. She is the love of his life &amp; she's about to crush him. He walks toward the sheriff's station like he's walking the bloody plank. It's not her fault he knows. He can't blame her. There's too much darkness in him. He's too much a villain.

He can't possibly tell her the truth. She'll hate him. He will not survive the hatred of Emma Swan. Maybe, just maybe, he'll live through her rejection. Through her disappointment. But the thought of Emma hating him is the most terrifying thing he has ever faced. He will tell her it's ok. That he understands. That she did her best. He will not show her his broken heart. He will not let her see that he is crumbling. She doesn't deserve the weight of his pain. Afterwards he doesn't know. Without Emma Swan he doesn't know what his life is. He can't stay so close to her, the proximity will kill him. But he knows he can't leave her either. He knows he'll stay by her side, heart breaking apart more &amp; more each day.

He pauses outside the station to take a breath. He realizes he's shaking. He focuses on the pirate mask he's been so good at keeping on. He steps inside.

Her back is to him. She's the most beautiful creature he's ever seen. He loves her more than he ever thought possible. He wants to memorize this moment. This moment before everything falls apart for good. He wants to keep it with him forever. For a moment he considers begging for her forgiveness. Begging for her love. But he won't put that burden on her.

_Well Swan, why did you summon me?_

He waits for the death knell.


End file.
